Bless this Mess

As I sit and think about all the things I need to get done before my lovely baby gets here I get very frustrated. Is it that need a bigger house? or would a bigger house mean MORE mess and more places to hide a mess? or honestly would I be happy with a bigger house? I have sat and stewed over this situation for hours, it even keeps me up at night. I think to myself "If I move that here and put this here, where oh where am I going to put that! This is my never ending battle. I learned, well more like inherited the pile system. My mother and my grandmother, and I'm sure it goes all the way back in our family, have this system where we make piles of stuff, they are not even organized piles they are just piles, and they are EVERYWHERE! When Nathanael or I are looking for something we start looking through all the piles of paper, odds and ends, and clothes. Its not like I don't know how to organize or keep a neat house, I can and I always start out fine and then a week or two later its a disaster again. I have a hard time keeping up on the dishes and I have got better with this, instead of leaving the dishes for a week I'm only leaving them 2 or 3 days but its still bad enough where I dread it and I know once I start doing them Ill get them done but its just getting to them. I am not to bad at tidying but it really just gets thrown in another pile then resorted into another pile. I really just don't know what to do anymore. With this baby I don't really need to buy everything, I know that its a girl and I wont probably use any blue stuff but I'm sure that i wont have to buy anything so all I really have to do is get the house ready for her. But how can I do that when our spare room (supposed to be the nursery) is so full of stuff that we cant even open the door, our room is stacked to the brink with everything that we don't want the boys to get into, like books and Cd's and movies and also our old bed. Our ensuite bathroom has a table in it and chairs that we haven't used since we moved in over 2 years ago, a crib and bunk beds that our boys wont be able to use till they are much older. The boys room is basically empty till you open the closet and then its full of baby stuff that I will need when the baby gets here and toys that they no longer play with. Our storage (if you can even call it that) in the basement is full of Christmas decorations and all of the boys clothes and all of our books that we haven't read in years but don't want to get rid of cuz we might read them again or our boys will someday. Our shed is like the spare room you cant even open the door without something falling on your head. Its full of all Nathanaels stuff, lawn stuff and all my parents treasures that they are storing here till their shop is done. My closets are also full to the doors of stuff that we use everyday. So where in this house do I put anything let alone another BABY. My goal is that I can get the spare room all cleaned out and all of my craft stuff etc. organized and the babies crib and change table set up so that she can have a little girls room and I can have a room to do all my hobbies in. But my question is how do I do this when I shouldn't be lifting anything that's in there, I can hardly bend over and I am constantly running after and telling 2 toddlers no all day. Then I think Ill wait till Nathanael gets home, but my answer to that is and has been proven, hes to tired and if hes not one of us still has to watch the kids and if I'm not there helping him he gets frustrated and gives up because he doesn't know where to put stuff. I then organize a weekend that we will both be home without the kids and we end up taking off somewhere together or just spending the weekend together because we hardly get alone time. So what am I supposed to do, I have pretty much given up all hope of getting the babies room ready in time. I was so looking forward to putting up all my glass dolls and all my girly things in her room so we both could enjoy them together but there is no way in the next 8 weeks I can even fathom that happening!

My Baby Girl

On Monday October 21st 2008 I found out that Nathanael and I are expecting our first and probably only baby girl. I knew at the last ultrasound that it was probably a girl but the couldn't tell us 100% so we decided not to tell everyone just yet. Then when the ultrasound tech asked this time if I wanted to know 100% I obviously said yes. She took all of her measurements she looked over at me and said, "I got a pretty clear image that its a girl." I was kinda in shock and looked at her and said "I'll need a picture of it, my husband will never believe me 100% without a picture." She finished up her work and went to see the doctor and to get my mom. In the mean time I had started to bawl after she left due to me looking at the computer screen and seeing my unborn baby girls first portraits hanging from the machines printer. I laid back down just in time for the tech and my mom to come back in. My mom saw the tears in my eyes and said "it's a boy, isn't it" I just stared at her and the tech looked at me and said "No its 100% a girl." My mom looked at me and smiled. Then she said "Can we have a picture, her husband is never going to believe the two of us." I looked at her and said "We already did" and she laughed. I didn't even make it out of the building and I was dialing Nathanaels cell. I dont know if its just my husband or if it is all men but when I decided to find out with this one he was dead against himself or anybody other than me knowing. I knew as soon as I found out that he would cave and it only took me calling him and he did. Finding out the sex of your unborn baby is a funny thing. I never wanted to know with the boys and for the longest time I was convinced Carver was a girl and when he came out I wasnt even shocked that he wasnt I loved him all the same. I wanted to find out with this one because I knew it was more than likly going to be my last and all the family on each of our sides have kinda been waiting on a girl. I also wanted to know for the boys sake, my mom never found out with my little brother and I was convinced at three that she was having a girl and was devastaed when they brought home this little boy for me to be a big sister to. But saying that she found out with Jake my little little brother and it was easier for her and for us to prepare for, so I thought if I could tell the boys that they were having a little sister it would help when she actually got here. To tell you the truth though I needed to know wether I needed to prepare myself for another boy or a little girl, both mentally and physically. I have two boys and I know I would love another boy just as much as I love them, but Im ready for a challenge and a change and our family almost seems complete with a little girl. Having said all of that and looking at the pictures of her it still feels too good to be true.

This baby inside of me!!!

This is my third pregnancy in three years!! Wow I really didn't think those words would ever come out of my mouth. I have two amazing little boys that keep me on my toys and I know that, that will never change. When we first decided to start trying for our third I was a little nervous and to tell you the truth I never really weighed all the pros and cons. I basically left it up to god to decide weather or not we would even have a third. Now I am sitting in front of this computer typing my thoughts on this tiring yet joyful experience as my baby kicks and punches me from within my abdomen walls. When I take the boys out and people finally realize that my little bump is actually a baby they more often than not ask me how far apart they all will be and I know for a fact that this will only get more frequent as I get bigger and when the baby actually gets here. The question that follows the age spacing is WHY, or Your going to be a busy mama. After I explain the ages. Which is Joey and Carver are 15 months apart and Carver and the Baby will be 17 months apart. I merely say I wanted all my kids really close to give them the opportunity to be good friends. Most people agree with me and others smile and nod and others will ask were there any other reasons. I have thought over this countless times and when I look into our future I think wow its going to be so cool when they get older and we can all go camping and hiking and do all sorts of stuff and not have to worry about a little one lagging behind or just getting out of diaper duty just to start it all over again. There are so many reasons that I can think of why we are having our kids this close and I love all of them. I know its a challenge and it has been a challenge. For example when I was pregnant with Joey I slept over 14 hours a day spread out, I did what I wanted when I wanted. When I was Pregnant with Carver I would sleep when Joey napped or went down for the night and we still pretty much did whatever we felt like. Both pregnancies were amazing and I loved being pregnant. This pregnancy has not been so easy. When one of the boys is down the other is awake and if I manage to get them both down at the same time I end up doing something or other and then they wake up shortly after one another. I have also been so utterly ill with this one. I could not keep anything down until week 15 and after that it was only because of the help of medication but I still couldn't keep most foods down and the medication made me extremely exhausted. Finally about 21 weeks I was able to eat without being on the medication but still I had to watch what I ate and textures still bothered me. I was slowly starting to get depressed because I wasn't getting enough minerals and vitamins (not able to take prenatal s, I threw them up almost as fast as they went down ) and also because my belly had not really started to show. I'm now 31 weeks and I can pretty much eat everything, some stuff still bothers me. My belly has finally grown and now looking back I was crazy for wanting it to so fast. I am finally starting to enjoy being pregnant just in time for it to end. After I had Carver I missed him kicking and tumbling inside of me but I was so in love with him that I soon got over that and now I'm thinking I am finally enjoying this baby but at the same time I am so eager to meet it. I found out Monday that I am expecting my first and only little girl. I have dreamed about having a little girl ever since I can remember. I think the first time I realized I wanted to be a mommy is when my mom brought Rj home. Hes three years younger than me. I was so dissappointed that he was a boy and not a girl I locked myself in my room for hours but I soon came out and started being a little mommy. This little girl of mine will be the first Grand Daughter on my my side, and the second on Nathanaels side but Amanda is 5 and everyone has been waiting for another little girl since. I am so excited that Amanda will have a little girl cousin to play with amongst the six little boys she has to play with now. I am so pumped for this little girl and that is where Ill leave it at tonight.

Bad Blogger

I am so incredibly bad at blogging!! hehehe I sit at this darn computer and write for half an hour then re read what I have wrote and decide to delete it. I'm not 100% sure why I do this, but I do. Ive had countless ideas on what to write and when I finally get to writing them I over explain myself and I no longer make any sence or I sound like I complaining about my life and current situation and that is not how I want to sound at all. So there is my explanation as to why there has been no recent updates and now I am going to try and write something. If I post it then I thought it was good enough for you all to read.

As this pregnancy develops I am constantly reminded about how many days there are till Christmas. Everyone reminds me almost daily " OH a Christmas baby how fun!" or "How long till your due?" Don't get me wrong I am excited about this baby coming and yesterday I realized I only have 10 weeks left, I'm almost there! At first I was so excited and the more I thought about it the more I got depressed. I do have alot to do before our next bundle of joy arrives and I will be doing the majority of my shopping as big as a whale (well maybe if my belly starts to grow) but that's still not what i get upset about when I think about my due date. I am a CHRISTMAS SCROOGE!!!! Some that are reading this are probably questioning why?? and others are probably saying to themselves "Brandy no your not your always happy at Christmas!" I'll reply to the second statement first. Everything I am at Christmas is a lie. I wear a mask at Christmas. I am a Christian and when I think about the real meaning of Christmas, I feel joy and I am filled with happiness, That our God created such a wonderful event on that day in Bethlehem. But as everyone else in today's society I am reminded that Christmas is also a busy time full of gift shopping, preparing to have the feast of the year and at last the dreaded FAMILY TIME. Don't get me wrong I love my family with all my heart, I really do. Growing up I knew the meaning of Christmas and I believed in god and the bible but I was raised in a non christian home. I was 9 years old when my parents were saved and even after that I lived in a non christian home. They were Christians but the never shared their beliefs with my brother and I. Now looking back I'm not sure I would consider them Christians, they wernt and are not like any of the Christians I am around now including myself. Anyways, back to the dreaded family time. As the end of November rolled around each year I would find my parents arguing about money and my mom was always very very short with us at this time of year. The mood in our house was not a joyous one that it should have been. We would always set our FAKE tree the 2nd weekend in December and this was not as a family, well I guess in a sense it was but also in a sense it wasn't. I would put Christmas music on and try to set the mood but it never killed the sadness and stress that was in the air. My dad would head downstairs and pack up the tree and all the decorations. Once upstairs he would sit at the kitchen table smoking and drinking egg nogg and reading the paper, completely ignoring us. My mom would start trying to unravel the lights from the mess they were left in from the year before. Once she got them apart she would put them on the tree followed by the garland and then she would retire to the kitchen table and join my father in doing her own thing. The decorations were left for my brother and I to fight over. We would argue and argue over who was going to put up which decoration and after a few hours the tree was decorated and my dad would come back into the room and put the angel on. We would all stand there and watch her twinkle for a moment and then my mom would say "bedtime" and we would all go to bed. So is this normal, to me it was. Pretty much the whole month of December my mom would be on the brink of tears and my dad had a constant scowl. When we went out to do our shopping they would constantly argue and bicker on how much they should spend and they had a strict budget that they had to follow. They were miserable. Then the 24th would roll around and they would pack almost all of the wrapped presents up in the car along with us and we would star our trek. We had an in law, out law rule in our family, meaning one year we would spend Christmas day with my moms family and the next Christmas day was spent with my dads mom or dad. So Christmas eve we would travel to one families house. We would get there unload the car, eat , open presents, and visit for a moment all the while being told by whoever was hosting (either my grandma (dads mom),my mama(moms mom), or grandma Ethel (dads step mom)) That this situation sucks because they couldn't have CHRISTMAS DAY with us. So we would finally hop back into the car drive who knows how long and get home at extremely ridiculous hour and go to bed. We would then wake up, open our presents, eat a quick bowl of cereal, pack up yet another box of presents and go to the next family members house. We would get there and unload the car, visit, eat, open presents, visit all the while being told by whoever was hosting (either my grandma (dads mom),my mama(moms mom), or grandma Ethel (dads step mom)) That this situation sucks because they couldn't have CHRISTMAS DAY with us last year or next year. Then we would pack up all of the stuff we were given and travel home again at a ridiculous hour and go to bed. Then we would get up, have a few hours to play with all our new toys and we would get ready to go again and do it all over. Finally on the 27th we were able to sleep in and get up and rediscover all the things we had got over the past 3 days. This day was not always free time though, some years we had to go to families houses that had stayed home instead of coming to the crazy family gatherings. During all of those years there was one that we got to stay home on Christmas day but that Christmas was no fun because my mom was hosting so we had all the family come over and we spent the 2 weeks before that in a cleaning frenzy. So since I have been with Nathanael this has been how our Christmas' have been. Well they have been worse because now we have 2 more families to add in. This last year we didn't even spend Christmas Day together. He stayed at his parents with Joey, while I travelled 4 hours with Carver to be with my family then I travelled back the next day and spent boxing day with more of my family without Nathanael and Joey. When I finally got back late boxing day I was in tears. I missed Christmas with MY FAMILY and we vowed to each other that this year would be different. It will that's for sure. We are going to Nathanaels family Christmas dinner and then we are staying home. We ,might not even make it there if I'm in labour.

Discipline

While I was growing up my mother used to use the famous "When your father gets home, He'll hear about this" and we used to sit and stew all day after we mis-behaved about what Daddy might say or do when he gets home and mom tells him what we had done. The actual reality of that statement "When your father gets home, He'll hear about this" never resulted in anything. He would come home after a twelve hour day and sit at the kitchen table and have a cigarette talking with my mother while she made dinner and not once gave us trouble about what happened that day. You would think after a few days of this we would learn that she would never tell him what we had done and if she had he would look at us and look at her and change the topic, he didn't ever give us trouble about what we had done that day but yet we were terrified every time she said that and we would stay that way until well after he was home and relaxed. I personally think that because of this statement and because they both never followed through with it, yet continually used it is why my father and I don't have a relationship as many Fathers and Daughters do. But that is another story for another day. Back to discipline. This weekend was the first time that I realized that giving your children discipline early on is a MUST. Nathanael and I started talking about how we would discipline our children even before we were married which I think is a must for all couples thinking about getting married and having children. Like I stated before my mother used this tactic when we were younger and when my father did speak to us we almost always behaved even though he never gave us trouble on the related incident, she had instilled a fear of him in us. As I grew up the tactics changed to minutes in our room and groundings and so on but nothing scared me more then he using that staetment. Nathanaels parents on the other hand also used time outs and groundings but they also used the belt and the shoulder clench (lightly squeezing the shoulder when a child is misbehaving). So after discussing our parents tactics we started discussing what tactics we would use of our own. Dont get me wrong my mother did spank us but only till I was 4 and was stronger than her and Im not sure if she ever spanked my brother but I know my brother got a few spanks by my dad where I recieved none from him. So spanking never worked on us. I remember this dicussion with my future husband so vividly, it was a discussion where we actually discussed we never argued about our discipline techniques that each of us believed in we just talked about what we would use. I stated that I really didnt want to spank our children and thought there was other ways to discipline and he stated that spanking was the way to go until they were old enough to understand. Even though we both had very different veiws we didnt argue we just stated them and the discussion was over. Well that was until Joey started getting around on his own and started to get into EVERY THING. I would say no over and over again and just take it away over and over again where as Nathanael would lightly swap him on the bum and harshly say no. Then the fight was on when my little first born baby boy would start to wail. I started yelling at my now been married for a year husband that spanking an 6 month olds and harshly telling him no was not appropiete. We argued and argued off and on for days about this and soon I got sick of Joey listening to his dad and not me and I started swaping him on his heavely padded tushy and harshly saying no. Soon after we both agreed that disipling him this way was the only way he was going to listen. Now that we have 2 toddlers we still use this technique and we are slowly intergrating the time out thing as they are understanding more and morew each day. Okay so I have discribed how my bother and I were disciplined and how my husband and his siblings were disciplined back in the day and how we discilpline our children today. Now I would like to state that I have a 5 year old brother and he has never been disciplined. Now I am guessing that your thinking "come on Brandy your just being a typical older sister and saying that he's spoiled rotton and s on and so on" Im not just saying this. My little brother is not disciplined. I had the oppertunity to babysit him for a week this past month while my mother went to work and during that week I was informed by my 5 year old little brother that I am not his mother and I can not give him trouble. I was also informed on how to change my childrens bums, what clothes to put on them and that they were not allowed to play with their own toys or eat the treats that I gave them (I gave him the exact same thing). By the time Friday rolled around I was relieved when my mother infomed me actually kida of rudely that I did not have to watch him any longer. I was so relived in fact that I never thought twice on how rudly she said it until I had the pleasure to be the blunt of one of her out bursts this past thanksgiving (Wow I didnt think how ironic that was that it happened on THANKSgiving ). So now Ill explain the situation. My husband, myself, our kids, my older- younger brother, his girlfriend and my little brother were in the living room chilling out while my mother was putting the finishing touches on Thanksgiving dinner. My little brother had not been sharing anything to well with Joey and Carver at all this particular day and we had a few fights to break up that day and each time I disciplined my children and they gave back the toy or whatever it was, but not once was my little brother asked to share or to be kind by my mother. So while my mothers back was turned and I was helping set the table my little brother and Joey were fighting over a chair. I asked my little brothe twice if Joey could sit on it since he was there first and each time he ignored me and went back to trying to get Joey off of the chair. My older-younger brother then attempted to tell my little brother to share and then my little brother pushed Joey so hard he fell on his butt and started to cry. and my older little brother yelled at my little brother to stop it and thats when my mother lost it. She slammed down whatever she was doing turned around and proceeded to tell my older younger brother and I that we were to get off of our little brothers back and to stop being mean to him. We just sat there staring at her and at each other and finally my husband got up and left the room and my older younger brother and his girlfriend did the same. I just sat there stunned that I was yelled at in front of my kids and my husband to get off of my little brothers back because he pushed my son off of the chair. I looked at my children and they were already back to themselves completly forgetting what had just happened and I looked at my little brother now sitting proudly on the chair that he had so victoriously just won with a look of accomplishment on his face. I was livid, I went outside to follow my husband and asked him to talk some sense into her, he was just as livid as I was. I came back into the house and procedded to gather our belongings and getting the kids coats on. She turned around and asked what Nathanaels problem was and why we were leaveing, I just stopped dressing my son and looked at her and stated "why do you think?" We argued and argued my father stepped in a few times and soon my husband was back in the house arguing too. So where do you think the arguing got us? yup your right if you said nowhere. So finally we sat down and said our sorrys for each of our outbursts and ate and that was that. But now I am sitting here wondering was I right also I should mention that I havent had a conversation lasting more than 30 seconds with my mom since.

My Start

Ive been reading other peoples blogs for about a year now and I really never thought that I could write as well as some so I never attempted to. For about two weeks now I have been following a few of my family members blogs and I figured that this was a great way for me to let out some of my emotions and my experiences with other people. I really don't mind if nobody enjoys my blog, or even reads it, I am going to write it just for me.