"It's going to get easier, It's going to get easier"

I have been using these words as my daily mantra since October. Is it working? I ask myself that time and time again. You don't realize how important something is in your life until its gone. Whether its a body part and your experiencing pain on a regular basis or its a close friend that had moved away, You never really pay attention to it until you don't have it anymore. The question "WHY" is constantly asked I am experiencing this a lot with my four year old lately everything is "Why mom, Why" and i am tyring my best to answer his questions but I feel like every night when I rest my head and look at my husbands empty pillow I begin to ask "Why" a thousand times. "I need him so badly why does he have to be away?" I ask, and I answer my own why with the appropriate answer of the day "Because there is no work here" or "He cant make the money he can while he is away if he is here" whatever line I feed myself it seems to be losing is point. I got to a point this week where I wanted to say screw the money, screw the work. I just want by husband home, spending time with his family where he belongs. As soon as those thoughts are done running through my mind I have a flash back to last winter. We had NO money, there was time and time again we could pay bill and were almost incapable of feeding our family. We were put in that situation for a reason and I place no blame on anything or anybody for it. That time in our lives opened our eyes and taught us many valuable lessons. This flashback shows me that we need to do this so we don't go back to that place. Also Nathanael LOVES his job. He loves all aspects of it except being away. I know and I tell myself time and time again that we really don't have it so bad and could have it a lot worse and then I feel guilty for complaining. I miss my husband. Every time I have to drop him off I leave part of my soul with him and I feel empty till he is home again. I am trying I really am. I keep it together 99% of the time but I do have my days. I get lots of comments from friends and family "Wow I don't know how you do it" and compliments as well but at the end of the day I am still alone in my queen size bed. There is still an empty place at dinner and his clothes are still hanging neatly in his closet. I had a wonderful chat with my sister one evening when I was having a difficult time alone and I said "Cheri I thought it would get easier, I keep telling myself that it will get easier." She had wise words back "If it gets easier then where would you marriage be?" I had to think for a minute "Where would my marriage be if the hole in my heart was gone, if my heart didn't beat a 1000 times faster at the anticipation of him getting off that bus." I answered myself almost immediately. I would have a marriage. There would be no feelings for each other no loss but also no LOVE. The reality of the situation is that I can sit here and feel horribly lonely or I can reach out to my wonderful friends and family. Usually I fill my days that by the time bed time rolls around I'm exhusted but there is the odd day that I dont. I know this sucks and I know it isnt forever. I just really miss my better half! I really do need a new mantra lol. Hopefully this all made sense I only cried through a little of it and now I feel much better. "I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS" maybe a good one! Happy weekend folks!