Its been a While since I have updated. Almost 2 months. I want to and probably should be updating more often but I guess that's life and its something that I have let slip to the back burner. I am going to try and write more often but we'll see how that goes. I have posted a few times about my 3 year old and his sleeping issues. YAY we finally are making progress. After almost a year we have a diagnoses a few treatment options and more waiting. On August 5th Carver and I made our way to the Alberta Children's Hospital to see a specialist. We did an O2 overnight test in May and the 1st appointment in August was to find out about the diagnoses and the options we had. I was nervous about this appointment I knew the worse Case scenarios and the best case but really I just wanted answers. I just wanted a full nights sleep. The appointment went really well. We met with the Dr and he was astounded at how many times STOPPED breathing during the night. The number had also startled me. My 3 year old had almost completely stopped breathing 8 times that night. The dr diagnosed Carver with sleep apnea right there. Our options were laid on the table. We would take his Tonsils and adenoids out. After that 6 months later they will do another O2 overnight test and then be able to tell us if its got better or worse then if it has got better than were good if not then we do an overnight full sleep study and find out more from that. The dr explained that it would take 4 to 6 weeks to get him in for the surgery. I got a phone call Monday of this week saying his surgery way Aug 30th. Exactly 2 weeks away. Good news I just need to deal with it sooner than I thought. Even better news that the day its booked for Nats home but supposed to be flying out that night. After talking to Nat and my Mom we were able to figure it out. Then Tuesday My lovely husband calls and is able to take off three extra days next shift so instead of going back on the Monday he will fly out early Thursday morning. This takes a lot of anxiety off of me and him. Carver has to stay overnight Monday night and I will stay with him and then we will come home Tuesday if everything looks good. He will be on bed rest for a week and cant do any physical activity for 2 more weeks. I am so thankful that this is all working out but stressed about it too. Im praying that we will make it through this and he will rest and understand what is happening.

Pondering turns to Venting

Lately I have been pondering a lot. I have been thinking about how I have lived my life until now, where it is, and where I want it to go. I have been thinking that I need a change or that I need more of something and I cant quite pin point it. My life is extremely busy and I still feel like I am not doing something I should be or I need to change what I am doing. I have also feeling like physically something is wrong. I have these feelings every once in a while and as soon as I think to get it checked out it passes or someone just tells me that its because I am too busy. Ill get back to the physical shortly I really need to get out what I am pondering. For those of you that know me and for those of you who have read by blog know that I am a busy person and I love it. Some days I need to take a time out from the socializing or the running around but most the time my life is filled with business from dawn till dusk. On my way out to meet my grandparents for camping this weekend I looked back behind me and saw three sleeping children all of them content with their dreams. Above all I love being a Wife and a Mom I truly do but as they are growing I feel as if I was meant to do something else and that feeling of uncertainty and inpatients is getting to me lately. I know I will go to school as soon as all three are on school and once my hubby is done his schooling but what do I do to fill this void I have now? I thought in September it was a physical need that I needed to be more active so I joined a bowling league. I am not a newbie to the sport and fell into as if I had never had a four year break. Once I fell into the groove of that I felt I needed more so I signed up for another league and took every opportunity for tournaments. I still had the void so I felt maybe like I needed to lose all the baby fat and get myself healthier so I joined a weight loss program. Still nothing still a void. I did pretty good at the weight loss thing and lost more than I expected but not quite my goal and I have kept it off. After the weight loss challenge was over I still felt the void so I picked up an exercise class well that was the wrong thing to do my body couldn't handle the bowling and the exercise class so I dropped it and soon after bowling was done and I got suckered into playing baseball for the summer. I LOVE it, I have always loved playing ball especially for fun and I am having a blast with it. Ball filled the void but recently its back. I feel like I want more out of life like I am never fully satisfied but as soon as that thought runs through my head I think what else do you need? plus your always sooo tired and this leads into my physical issues. I AM so tired, when i am out I'm okay but as soon as I'm home i sit down and have No motivation for anything and maybe this goes hand in had with my feeling a void maybe I am feeling it because I am soo tired that I don't play with the kids as often as I would like, I don't make dinner as extravagant as I want to, I don't want to clean the house all because I am utterly exhausted. I really wanted this to be a positive pondering but it turned out with me asking more questions than I started with. Thanks for listening once again to my ramblings!!!

Kiddie Reminders!!!

I really needed a shower today! My hair was a mess and I despertly needed to shave my legs LOL. Probably TMI I know but stay with me. I dread having to shower. Things in this house can go from 100% perfect and content to negitive 100% in less that 10 seconds. I cant even remember showering without coming out of the bathroom to find everything was still intact, nothing ruined and everyone accounted for. SO while in my dreaded shower I was thinking "WOW heres one more thing I miss doing from before I had Kids" I started to think of all the things that prove I am a mom or remind me that I am a mom on a daily bases. I got all these in my head before two tiny fists pounding on the door and a high pitched "MOM" yes kaity has found her voice. SO NOT FUNNY STOP LAUGHING ;) BUSTED. Anways heres my list:

1) MOMMY can no longer shower let alone leave a room for more than 2 minutes without something going missing (child or item), something being dumped, sprayed, squirted, drawn on, broken or someone freaking out.

2) My Van looks more like the inside of my diaper bag than a vehical. Having everythig in it from sunscreen, bugspray, extra clothes to bottles, blankets, snacks, toys, shoes and paper towel.

3) I cant talk on the phone without someone interuppting or scraming at the top of their lungs.

4)My most used words are; NO, STOP THAT, DONT, TIME OUT, 123, DONT HIT HER/HIM.

5)My walls are covered with the latest works of three toddlers

6)I Know the words to the theme songs of Max and Ruby, Backyardagins, Dora, Deigo, Harry and his bucket full of dinosaures and numerous other tv shows.

7) Silence is not something I look forward too. No Noise = BAD

8) I cant wait to get away and when I'm away I cant wait to get back

9) Someone asks me to do something with them, or for them and I have to check my phone, my daytimer and rack my brain to see if I forgot something.

10) My Favorite sound is laughter especially the giggles

11)I am a pro seeker/ fixer/ snuggler/ dr/ hurddler/ hair dresser

12) I have to jump a gate everytime I go into the kitchen or dinning room.

13)my most favorite time of the week is grocery shopping

14) I ENJOY my job as a MOM and would trade it fore ANYTHING

Hmmmm back to nights

I am sitting here listening to Dora and boots on their next adventure. Its supposed to be quiet time. Carver is laying on the other couch tring to rest but his ever persistent big brother is trying to distract him. Kaity's napping and by the time she wakes up Carver will be out and Joe maybe just maybe will stay quiet until Carver wakes up. I'm still recovering from my weekend of rest. Hmm does that even make sense? No No it really does not. Oh to sleep soundly through the night with my Loving warm husband holding me. That is my ultimate want. Some days I think of it as a NEED. Like today. Nathanael was home all weekend. BLISS. On the weekends hes home I go to bed early and can actually fall asleep before midnight and I don't often wake up before 10am. I usually fall asleep in his warm loving arms and wake up to the door softly opening and a kiss on the tip of my nose or on my cheek. Absolute Bliss. Ont the weekends that Nats home Carver wakes up maybe once a night. That's right, yup you really did read that right, ONCE maybe even not at all some nights. This throws me for a loop. Why does he sleep so well when Nats home? Why do I have to get up 4 to 12 times a night with him? Why the change? When he does this it makes us think its behavior related but then I look to my own sleeping habits. I sleep way better when Nats home. I don't even get up to go pee. My body and mind shut down completely. I feel safer and at peace. Does Carver feel the same? The children's hospital is sending done a monitor that keeps track of his oxygen and heart levels. This machine was supposed to be here this past Friday but it never showed. I waited to call the hospital until today to see if maybe it was all delayed due to the long weekend. The hospital said that they had sent it. Then why is it not here? Why wasn't it here on Friday? I thought that it would be easier to do while Nat was home, but sitting here and writing this I have realised that had we done the monitoring while Nat was home what would that prove? NOTHING!!! Whatever is happening is still happening while Nat is home just not to the same extreme. It all started in July, Nat was still here full time then. I believe there was a mix up and the machine isn't here yet because the timing was all wrong. It needs to be done while hes away and I needed my eyes opened to see that and the machine not showing up and me calling today was just a way to show me this.

The Nocturnal Side of Me!

So I am laying in bed and it is 5:33 AM. I went to bed at 12am. I could have came to bed a lot earlier than that but really there is no point when I have to get up twice before then anyways and as a basically single mother 22 days of the month my work is never ending. These are the nights that I wish that I was still 17 and living with my parents and my only worry was making it too school for my 11am class. Those days are long gone and maybe some day will return. I am going to post this later today when I am more awake and less likely to make mistakes. LOL my spelling sucks anyways. Anyways. I would even give anything to go back a year ago. Sure I had a 6 month old but she only got up once for a bottle and then fell asleep right away and my 2 boys had been sleeping through the night since before Kait was born. I usually had to pee by then anyways when she got up so it was all good. I STOPPED sleeping through 98% of the night last July. Carver got toncilitis. Thats when it all started. He started getting up anywheres from 2 to 6 times a night. Going to bed at 8pm he would be up a number of times before he was up for the day at 8am. My hubby was working for his brother at the time and we took turns during the night or every other night we would switch, we delt. Some nights he would just scream and scream. We would get him calmed down and back to sleep and then it would start all over again anywhere for an hour later to six hours later. We would fight because we were frustrated and would soon settle for a dose of tylonal just so he would sleep. I hate giving my kids meds at all let alone when they are not needed and hated to resort to that but at 5am when you have to be up in less than 2 hrs and have been awakened up to 6 times since you went to bed at 12am you sometimes need to take a drastic measure. When we gave him the tylonal he would settle and sleep a bit better but soon that wasnt an option anymore as it didnt work. When my hubby was offered a job working away from home making a significant amount of money we could pass up the opprutunity. Soon though I was second guessing the decision to become a 90% single mom when it was me alone getting up the steadily increasing times a night. My hubbys third shift in he was offered to do a double shift. Thats when I almost lost it and finally took Carver to the dr. This was NOT normal and I knew it. Getting up now 8 to 12 times a night (almost every hour)The dr did the once over and took all the info I had to offer and looked at me and with a straight non concerned face told me that this was "Normal" for any child under the age of 6 to experience. And then asked me if I needed sleeping pills to get through the night. I laughed and walked out of his office. I went home and cried. Nat was gone, my car was just stolen from my back yard, Carver was NOT sleeping and the dr had thought it was ME that needed sleeping pills. That night I started the sleep journal. I docoumented everytime Carver got up and what he did each time. After Christmas and having family see what was going on I was convinced to take him back in to the dr. I was leary about going back to the same dr but I needed HIM to see what was actually going on. Not just asume I was complaing just so he would give ME sleeping pills. After reading the journal and looking at Carver again he gave me some theroys. 1) sleep apnia 2) enlarged toncils and adnoids 3) behaviorment issues.
I sighed in relief. We were getting somewhere. That was December. Its now May and we are JUST getting the oxygen tests done. I feel like its going to take forever and hopefully we will get somewhere. Mean while we have beenbgetting through nigh to night. Carver is on Melitonin which has cut the number iof time he gets up almost in half. But its still 3 to 6 times Im up with him a night. I will write more about this but for now I am getting up for the day!

Friends, Friends and Friends!!

I have had many friends. The last few weeks I have been thinking about my relationships in my life. With all the privacy hullabaloo that has been going on with Facebook and some other sites I had got to thinking about slimming my friends list down. After talking to some of my close friends I decided not to. I have many different "friends" on facebook. Not all of them friends persay. I was going through the list and thought "what is the actual definition of friends?" So of course I googled it.

a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"

SO there it is Friends has many different meanings and I guess Facebook did something right in listing your contacts as "FRIENDS"

There is many types of friends and I'm sure everybody has these kind of relationships. I have a lot of friends, dont mean to sound conceeded but if you think about the definitions and the theory that everyone is connected withion 6 degrees of each other than you also have a lot of "friends"

Take my facebook list for example.
Family: I have sooo much family on there. My husbands parents have many siblings and therefore we have a HUGE family so much of my "friends" are family as well. Most I have met and some I have bonded with, but there is a few that I have never met.

Friends of Friends: I have just a few of these. The title really says it all. I dont really talk to thjem much we just have a common intrest. Some friends of friends I have started a relationship with and kept it going but some not so much.

Aquantinces: People you have met and feel connected to, there could be a relationship the but sometimes it just takes to much.

Highschool, Work, Sports or hobby Friends: People where you were friends with at another part of your life or still are but just in that specified area.

Friends: Just plain ole friends, people you like to be around, dont mind being around or just plain sometimes make your day.

Besties: These are the most important people in my life next to my immedite family. I have a few of these. They mean the world to me and I would step in front of a bullet for them (a little dramatic but true)

I have had some relationship problems lately and have tried to fix them on numerous occasions but still cant seem to. That is the reason I chose to post this blog. I needed to put some of my relationships in perspective and now letting this all out and putting my "friends" in categories I do have a few relationships that I cant or wont put into any of these. I really hoped this all made sense I really was just venting.

"It's going to get easier, It's going to get easier"

I have been using these words as my daily mantra since October. Is it working? I ask myself that time and time again. You don't realize how important something is in your life until its gone. Whether its a body part and your experiencing pain on a regular basis or its a close friend that had moved away, You never really pay attention to it until you don't have it anymore. The question "WHY" is constantly asked I am experiencing this a lot with my four year old lately everything is "Why mom, Why" and i am tyring my best to answer his questions but I feel like every night when I rest my head and look at my husbands empty pillow I begin to ask "Why" a thousand times. "I need him so badly why does he have to be away?" I ask, and I answer my own why with the appropriate answer of the day "Because there is no work here" or "He cant make the money he can while he is away if he is here" whatever line I feed myself it seems to be losing is point. I got to a point this week where I wanted to say screw the money, screw the work. I just want by husband home, spending time with his family where he belongs. As soon as those thoughts are done running through my mind I have a flash back to last winter. We had NO money, there was time and time again we could pay bill and were almost incapable of feeding our family. We were put in that situation for a reason and I place no blame on anything or anybody for it. That time in our lives opened our eyes and taught us many valuable lessons. This flashback shows me that we need to do this so we don't go back to that place. Also Nathanael LOVES his job. He loves all aspects of it except being away. I know and I tell myself time and time again that we really don't have it so bad and could have it a lot worse and then I feel guilty for complaining. I miss my husband. Every time I have to drop him off I leave part of my soul with him and I feel empty till he is home again. I am trying I really am. I keep it together 99% of the time but I do have my days. I get lots of comments from friends and family "Wow I don't know how you do it" and compliments as well but at the end of the day I am still alone in my queen size bed. There is still an empty place at dinner and his clothes are still hanging neatly in his closet. I had a wonderful chat with my sister one evening when I was having a difficult time alone and I said "Cheri I thought it would get easier, I keep telling myself that it will get easier." She had wise words back "If it gets easier then where would you marriage be?" I had to think for a minute "Where would my marriage be if the hole in my heart was gone, if my heart didn't beat a 1000 times faster at the anticipation of him getting off that bus." I answered myself almost immediately. I would have a marriage. There would be no feelings for each other no loss but also no LOVE. The reality of the situation is that I can sit here and feel horribly lonely or I can reach out to my wonderful friends and family. Usually I fill my days that by the time bed time rolls around I'm exhusted but there is the odd day that I dont. I know this sucks and I know it isnt forever. I just really miss my better half! I really do need a new mantra lol. Hopefully this all made sense I only cried through a little of it and now I feel much better. "I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS" maybe a good one! Happy weekend folks!

Bowling and Rugby

hahaha that almost is an oxymoron! I have been bowling for about 15 years or so... I love it. But I am not the kind of person that has fun at it. Its all about the competition for me. I have fun in my own sort of way. I love the calm adrenaline that comes with getting more than three strikes in a row, or beating my average.I love the tense atmosphere of a tournament. I thrive on those emotions and I love to bowl. I love spending time with my team mates and have a lot of fun with them but when I get on that lane and pick up my ball its all about me and the five pins at the wooden lane. I love it. I went to the movie last night here in town. Invictus was playing. It was such a great history lesson and a wonderful and entertaining movie. I played high school rugby for 4 years and I loved it. I loved it in so many different ways than I love bowling. You have to work with your team. You have to pass the ball and push your way through people. In the movie Matt Damon plays right flank. The same position I played. I was all excited and almost yelling at the screen lol. I loved playing, I loved the adrenaline of having the ball in my hands and running straight into 5 to 8 girls wanting the ball, falling to the ground and praying you don't get stepped on. I loved to engage in a scrum and push with all my might until that ball came out and I took off running. I loved lifting a girl in the air so she could catch an out of bounds ball. but most of all loved chasing and bringing a girl to her face so my team could have a chance at the ball. I miss playing with a big team and protecting that team. I have made a goal that I will play on a ladies rec team. well that's my sports spiel. hopefully I didn't sound to barbaric and you enjoyed it. I thought I would leave a little quote I got from the movie. "Soccer is a gentleman's game played by hooligans, Rugby is a hooligans sport played by Gentlemen." Invictus

Christmas, Birthday and Eggs

My baby turned One on Friday. I can't believe it! My biggest pet peeve these days is being asked the question "Are you guys done yet?" The answer has been Yes and after Nathanael canceled his appointment to get snipped no one believed us anymore. As of right now we are done for now. Right know and probably for the next who knows how long there is no way that I could physically or mentally handle being pregnant. I was so sick with Kaity that I feel like I am going to start hyperventilating at the thought at getting pregnant. We are also an incredible busy family and right now cant handle another baby or even pregnancy. If god has it in his plans to make our "protection" not work then so be it, but we are taking precautions. Neither of us want to permanently decide that we are done due to our age. We are having such are great time bonding with our three children and we love them so deeply and unconditionally. We are loving experiencing all their little quirks and personalities. Kaity has quite the vocabulary for a One year old she says Hi and bye, mommy, daddy and Nana. She has said coffee but hasn't repeated it. Shes walking and is quite the little mommy's girl. (which I love)She loves to play with her dolls and lil people and to chase and be chased. Carver is our sneaker. Last night he got up and after three or four times of both of us telling him to back to bed it was quiet. I heard some noise in the kitchen and such put shook it off thinking it was the cat. I got up and went to the kitchen to get some munchies and Carver was sitting on the floor trying to get the lid off of the milk jug. After putting him back to bed I went to tidy the dinning room and found half a dozen eggs on thr floor only one broke. How did we not hear? I have no clue he must have been in their for a while though and all the gates were closed and he has never got the kitchen one open or has never climbed it. He always has been sneaky and its getting worse. Joey is getting so big. He is turning into our little preschooler rather than our toddler. He lovers to draw and color. He also loves doing puzzles. Recently our sister in law gave us some puzzles and upon opening them he has had them done in minutes. He's a little bit of a show off and we try not to encourage that part but we are very proud of him. He also loves to sing and dance! Well there's a little peek into our lives!!

Long Time No See

So Im back. Due to being to strongly revolved around the computer and the internet I shut it all down for three months. I know Crazy idea right. I almost died in detox! No really I did. I couldn't spend all my free time on the internet, instead I had to oh my gasp. Clean my house and play with my kids(just joking i love playing with my kids). The computer and the internet were getting to be more than a drug to me. My life revolved around checking my email, facebook and reading any blog on the net that interested me to watching youtube and other useless stuff. I needed those few moths of rehab to get my head wrapped more around life and less around the computer. Don't get me wrong all those things are great but in moderation. I did cheat I would occasionally use a friends computer to get rid of all the junk in my email so it wouldn't be swamped and also I checked facebook at regular intervals on my phone but when I had time and when it wasn't interrupting MY LIFE. So now I'm on a 12 step program. Ok just pulling you leg again. but really I am only checking my email and facebook in the morning and before I go to sleep, and the other stuff I have time to check into when the kids are sleeping and before I go to bed. I know that seems like a lot but I am totally justified and that's what works for me. I do do a lot of reading on the computer but only before I go to bed now and not all day like before. I am going to try and blog a bit more I really missed that most. Well so long for now and All the best in 2010