Hmmmm back to nights

I am sitting here listening to Dora and boots on their next adventure. Its supposed to be quiet time. Carver is laying on the other couch tring to rest but his ever persistent big brother is trying to distract him. Kaity's napping and by the time she wakes up Carver will be out and Joe maybe just maybe will stay quiet until Carver wakes up. I'm still recovering from my weekend of rest. Hmm does that even make sense? No No it really does not. Oh to sleep soundly through the night with my Loving warm husband holding me. That is my ultimate want. Some days I think of it as a NEED. Like today. Nathanael was home all weekend. BLISS. On the weekends hes home I go to bed early and can actually fall asleep before midnight and I don't often wake up before 10am. I usually fall asleep in his warm loving arms and wake up to the door softly opening and a kiss on the tip of my nose or on my cheek. Absolute Bliss. Ont the weekends that Nats home Carver wakes up maybe once a night. That's right, yup you really did read that right, ONCE maybe even not at all some nights. This throws me for a loop. Why does he sleep so well when Nats home? Why do I have to get up 4 to 12 times a night with him? Why the change? When he does this it makes us think its behavior related but then I look to my own sleeping habits. I sleep way better when Nats home. I don't even get up to go pee. My body and mind shut down completely. I feel safer and at peace. Does Carver feel the same? The children's hospital is sending done a monitor that keeps track of his oxygen and heart levels. This machine was supposed to be here this past Friday but it never showed. I waited to call the hospital until today to see if maybe it was all delayed due to the long weekend. The hospital said that they had sent it. Then why is it not here? Why wasn't it here on Friday? I thought that it would be easier to do while Nat was home, but sitting here and writing this I have realised that had we done the monitoring while Nat was home what would that prove? NOTHING!!! Whatever is happening is still happening while Nat is home just not to the same extreme. It all started in July, Nat was still here full time then. I believe there was a mix up and the machine isn't here yet because the timing was all wrong. It needs to be done while hes away and I needed my eyes opened to see that and the machine not showing up and me calling today was just a way to show me this.

The Nocturnal Side of Me!

So I am laying in bed and it is 5:33 AM. I went to bed at 12am. I could have came to bed a lot earlier than that but really there is no point when I have to get up twice before then anyways and as a basically single mother 22 days of the month my work is never ending. These are the nights that I wish that I was still 17 and living with my parents and my only worry was making it too school for my 11am class. Those days are long gone and maybe some day will return. I am going to post this later today when I am more awake and less likely to make mistakes. LOL my spelling sucks anyways. Anyways. I would even give anything to go back a year ago. Sure I had a 6 month old but she only got up once for a bottle and then fell asleep right away and my 2 boys had been sleeping through the night since before Kait was born. I usually had to pee by then anyways when she got up so it was all good. I STOPPED sleeping through 98% of the night last July. Carver got toncilitis. Thats when it all started. He started getting up anywheres from 2 to 6 times a night. Going to bed at 8pm he would be up a number of times before he was up for the day at 8am. My hubby was working for his brother at the time and we took turns during the night or every other night we would switch, we delt. Some nights he would just scream and scream. We would get him calmed down and back to sleep and then it would start all over again anywhere for an hour later to six hours later. We would fight because we were frustrated and would soon settle for a dose of tylonal just so he would sleep. I hate giving my kids meds at all let alone when they are not needed and hated to resort to that but at 5am when you have to be up in less than 2 hrs and have been awakened up to 6 times since you went to bed at 12am you sometimes need to take a drastic measure. When we gave him the tylonal he would settle and sleep a bit better but soon that wasnt an option anymore as it didnt work. When my hubby was offered a job working away from home making a significant amount of money we could pass up the opprutunity. Soon though I was second guessing the decision to become a 90% single mom when it was me alone getting up the steadily increasing times a night. My hubbys third shift in he was offered to do a double shift. Thats when I almost lost it and finally took Carver to the dr. This was NOT normal and I knew it. Getting up now 8 to 12 times a night (almost every hour)The dr did the once over and took all the info I had to offer and looked at me and with a straight non concerned face told me that this was "Normal" for any child under the age of 6 to experience. And then asked me if I needed sleeping pills to get through the night. I laughed and walked out of his office. I went home and cried. Nat was gone, my car was just stolen from my back yard, Carver was NOT sleeping and the dr had thought it was ME that needed sleeping pills. That night I started the sleep journal. I docoumented everytime Carver got up and what he did each time. After Christmas and having family see what was going on I was convinced to take him back in to the dr. I was leary about going back to the same dr but I needed HIM to see what was actually going on. Not just asume I was complaing just so he would give ME sleeping pills. After reading the journal and looking at Carver again he gave me some theroys. 1) sleep apnia 2) enlarged toncils and adnoids 3) behaviorment issues.
I sighed in relief. We were getting somewhere. That was December. Its now May and we are JUST getting the oxygen tests done. I feel like its going to take forever and hopefully we will get somewhere. Mean while we have beenbgetting through nigh to night. Carver is on Melitonin which has cut the number iof time he gets up almost in half. But its still 3 to 6 times Im up with him a night. I will write more about this but for now I am getting up for the day!

Friends, Friends and Friends!!

I have had many friends. The last few weeks I have been thinking about my relationships in my life. With all the privacy hullabaloo that has been going on with Facebook and some other sites I had got to thinking about slimming my friends list down. After talking to some of my close friends I decided not to. I have many different "friends" on facebook. Not all of them friends persay. I was going through the list and thought "what is the actual definition of friends?" So of course I googled it.

a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"

SO there it is Friends has many different meanings and I guess Facebook did something right in listing your contacts as "FRIENDS"

There is many types of friends and I'm sure everybody has these kind of relationships. I have a lot of friends, dont mean to sound conceeded but if you think about the definitions and the theory that everyone is connected withion 6 degrees of each other than you also have a lot of "friends"

Take my facebook list for example.
Family: I have sooo much family on there. My husbands parents have many siblings and therefore we have a HUGE family so much of my "friends" are family as well. Most I have met and some I have bonded with, but there is a few that I have never met.

Friends of Friends: I have just a few of these. The title really says it all. I dont really talk to thjem much we just have a common intrest. Some friends of friends I have started a relationship with and kept it going but some not so much.

Aquantinces: People you have met and feel connected to, there could be a relationship the but sometimes it just takes to much.

Highschool, Work, Sports or hobby Friends: People where you were friends with at another part of your life or still are but just in that specified area.

Friends: Just plain ole friends, people you like to be around, dont mind being around or just plain sometimes make your day.

Besties: These are the most important people in my life next to my immedite family. I have a few of these. They mean the world to me and I would step in front of a bullet for them (a little dramatic but true)

I have had some relationship problems lately and have tried to fix them on numerous occasions but still cant seem to. That is the reason I chose to post this blog. I needed to put some of my relationships in perspective and now letting this all out and putting my "friends" in categories I do have a few relationships that I cant or wont put into any of these. I really hoped this all made sense I really was just venting.

"It's going to get easier, It's going to get easier"

I have been using these words as my daily mantra since October. Is it working? I ask myself that time and time again. You don't realize how important something is in your life until its gone. Whether its a body part and your experiencing pain on a regular basis or its a close friend that had moved away, You never really pay attention to it until you don't have it anymore. The question "WHY" is constantly asked I am experiencing this a lot with my four year old lately everything is "Why mom, Why" and i am tyring my best to answer his questions but I feel like every night when I rest my head and look at my husbands empty pillow I begin to ask "Why" a thousand times. "I need him so badly why does he have to be away?" I ask, and I answer my own why with the appropriate answer of the day "Because there is no work here" or "He cant make the money he can while he is away if he is here" whatever line I feed myself it seems to be losing is point. I got to a point this week where I wanted to say screw the money, screw the work. I just want by husband home, spending time with his family where he belongs. As soon as those thoughts are done running through my mind I have a flash back to last winter. We had NO money, there was time and time again we could pay bill and were almost incapable of feeding our family. We were put in that situation for a reason and I place no blame on anything or anybody for it. That time in our lives opened our eyes and taught us many valuable lessons. This flashback shows me that we need to do this so we don't go back to that place. Also Nathanael LOVES his job. He loves all aspects of it except being away. I know and I tell myself time and time again that we really don't have it so bad and could have it a lot worse and then I feel guilty for complaining. I miss my husband. Every time I have to drop him off I leave part of my soul with him and I feel empty till he is home again. I am trying I really am. I keep it together 99% of the time but I do have my days. I get lots of comments from friends and family "Wow I don't know how you do it" and compliments as well but at the end of the day I am still alone in my queen size bed. There is still an empty place at dinner and his clothes are still hanging neatly in his closet. I had a wonderful chat with my sister one evening when I was having a difficult time alone and I said "Cheri I thought it would get easier, I keep telling myself that it will get easier." She had wise words back "If it gets easier then where would you marriage be?" I had to think for a minute "Where would my marriage be if the hole in my heart was gone, if my heart didn't beat a 1000 times faster at the anticipation of him getting off that bus." I answered myself almost immediately. I would have a marriage. There would be no feelings for each other no loss but also no LOVE. The reality of the situation is that I can sit here and feel horribly lonely or I can reach out to my wonderful friends and family. Usually I fill my days that by the time bed time rolls around I'm exhusted but there is the odd day that I dont. I know this sucks and I know it isnt forever. I just really miss my better half! I really do need a new mantra lol. Hopefully this all made sense I only cried through a little of it and now I feel much better. "I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS" maybe a good one! Happy weekend folks!