Reasons

I have decided over the last few days that I need to write, I dont have very many followers, so that is not why I feel obligated to write. The reason s I write this blog is: #1 keep up on my typing, #2 have a place where I can record my thoughts, feelings and moments of my everyday life without chopping down a hundred trees and #3 is so I can feel as if im sharing even though Im not doing it directly. So the main reason I have not written in almost a month is due to depression. Every time I sat here and tried to write something it sounded depressing and sad and sounded like I was complaining. I was kinda depressed at the end of my pregnancy with Kaity and I really just wanted her out and I wanted to meet her so badly. Then I was good for a long while I went 9 weeks without really even thinking about money, and rent, and jobs or anything I was just enjoying my life and everything that was in it or around it. And then week 10 hit, we HAD to pay the cable bill or the cable company was going to shut it of. I know this next part sounds horrible and I hope people can see it my way but if they dont thats fine. We had $200 left to last us till we either got Ei (finally) or the next batch of child tax (which would have been a month away) anyways we had $200 to make it till we got money again, and I thought we would be okay, I just kept finding more ways to be frugal and we went without alot. We were doing okay and I really wasnt worried I thought forsure we would make it. Then the cable company called and wanted $100 or they were going to cut services. So at first I thought okay go ahead I dont care, we need all $200 we have or we will have to ask for help, or go without even more. Well the more I thought about it the more I disagreed with myself. I just kept thinking "Sure lots of people go without we can too", yeah nope we couldn't do it, if we lossed the cable we would lose our Internet, and our phone and the cable for the tv, and that would be so bad if ALL my support people (the people I NEED TO TALK WITH EVEYDAY) wernt on facebook or just a call away. So I payed the $100 the cable butt heads wanted. This depressed me more and more each day as I saw our last $100 dwindling away to nothing. Then I finally asked my mom for help, I didnt want money, I just wanted her to buy the kids milk and diapers, and a little bit of food. She got us by till just before Nathanaels eye surgery and I felt wrong asking her for even more. I knew that the surgery was free but there were things that come along with it, like pain killers, meds and gas to get there, so we had to give up a bit more pride and ask Nats parents for a little bit of cash. They helped us like I knew they would. We felt relieved like you would not believe. And then on the way back from their house our van died, URGH I felt as if I didnt have anything left. We had no idea what we were going to do I just kept praying please go I know you have a plan, I just really cant see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! and of course as god usually works just when it seems like its looking like there is NO end to the darkness there is. My parents offered to buy us groceries until EI came in and also offered to fix the car (it needed a new heater and wiper switch) in return for Nat helping my dad with the shop. Also the next week we heard from EI and we would be getting money the following week. So here we are we have received 2 payments from EI and the car is fixed (very annoying putting three car seats in but it works)so I would like to say THANK YOU LORD and that I am in a much better mood these days and will try to write more often!!

Opa

I have been putting this off for a week now and now I finally feel like I can do this. My Opa was born in the town of Meppel in Holland on February 2nd 1919, and passes away on February 20th 2009 at a wonderful age of Ninety. I didn't get to see him or my Oma often as they lived in Abbotsford B.C. He was a man of few words. He was the type of person that you could sit with all day and not speak to but feel as if you had chatted with him all day. I remember going for walks with him. Whenever we would go and visit he would take me for a walk. He would walk with his hands in his pockets looking up at the sky. I didn't know alot about him, I did like all the family know that he LOVED Sugar and Salt, he would out 4 teaspoons of sugar in his coffee and doused all his food with salt, I remember on a few occasions some of the family asking if he wanted coffee with his sugar or food with his salt, but he never retorted with anything he just said hmm and went back to drinking or his food. I remember the story of him bringing two pigs home and training them to pull a cart, he made them special harnesses and took them to fairs all over Western Canada showing off their skills, that is till a nasty neighbour reported him to the city and he had to keep the pigs else where. I also remember whenever we would go visit or they would come and see us he would sneak away and have a cigarette and we would bug him, Òpa when did you start smoking, and he would answer I don't smoke, we would laugh and shrug it off. I do wish I had got to spend more time with him and learned more about him but I am so glad he had a long and Happy life. I learned at the funeral that my Opa was a christian and he was saved even before they had moved from Holland, I don't yet know what this means to me yet, all I know was when I found that out I was happy, I was no longer sad about his death but happy for the life he lived. While we were in BC I saw my papa (Opas oldest son) shed tears for the first time. This hurt me almost more than Opa passing. I have a special relationship with my papa and to see him cry was unbearable. We talked about it after the funeral (as my younger cousins and little brother asked him why) He reassured us they were happy tears, happy that Opa was in heaven, Happy that he was no longer in pain and Happy that we were all there with him while he was able to say good bye to his father. I am Grateful that I had an Opa (my great grandfather), I am grateful that I had somewhat of a relationship with him and I am also grateful that I got to go to his funeral and say goodbye.